> > > > Yeah. About that.

Alright. I was going to just leave you alone. Was. Things have changed now. You wrote something I completely had no say in at all. I do not find it funny in the slightest, and it offends me more greatly than you could ever fucking imagine. Die in a fire, please.

Please…just…leave me alone. I’m sorry. For everything. I’ve tried very hard to keep our friendship strong, but you refuse to see that. Instead of listening to reason, you yell. You scream, and you threaten me. 

I am very aware that what I did to you hurt you massively. I’m very aware that you hate me with every fiber of your being, even though you said you would always be there for me. You hate me because I started talking to someone you hate. And that drives you absolutely insane, doesn’t it? That you can’t control who I talk to anymore. That you can’t manipulate my likes and dislikes of people to benefit yourself. You disgust me. Seriously, you do. You make me sick and I hate it. And I’m starting to hate you. Very much.

Stop stalking me, also. You don’t need to know where I am at all times of the goddamned day. You don’t need to call me or know my phone numbers. You don’t need to “inform my parents of the evils their son has caused” you. I am not innocent. I’ve owned up to that. Now just..please. Leave me alone. 

I spent time with my friends tonight. Something I need more of.

IHOP and messing around. Absolutely epic.

Before that, though, mom and dad confronted me about my obvious problems. Or at least the problems they saw in me. Which, at this point, seem to be several.

Mother requires a Twitter account now. To monitor my activity like the dictator she’s become.

This book seems to be the last place I can actually be myself without fear of judgement. Or without mother accusing all my friends of being porn collectors. Which they’re not. Not even close.

Her closed-minded attitude towards my sharing and activities online makes me absolutely furious. I don’t understand why she frowns upon my life as a whole. Only parts need re-evaluation. And they’re easily fixed without close monitoring or rehab.

I don’t even know why I try.

That line would make my father go into a blind rage. “Don’t just quit. I didn’t bring you into this world so you could quit.”

Sounds like something he’d say.

Maybe I should give in?

Pft. Hell no. That’d go against everything I’ve ever fought for or believed in. Rebellion is in my nature. Free-spirited. Yes, father, that’s me all the way.

All for Zack.

Can’t believe it’s been a whole week. A week of her stealing my phone and ripping me from my friends.

That aside, my day was alright.

Ruffus sent me a DM this morning telling me that he loves me. Made me smile.

Zack needed me all day, so I called him three times. Made him happy.

She reminded me of the horrible fate I’d have to endure tomorrow. Made me feel horrible.

Something tells me that this “talk” of ours is either going to turn into a confrontation…or wind up being very awkward. Or both, with my luck.

Don’t actually have much to write today. For once. I actually feel happy enough to not care about her phone-stealing. For once.

I want to finish Black Swan. That first hour left me wanting more. Hadn’t even gotten to the good part yet. Not even close. At least I think it didn’t. 

I wish I could take him to see it with me…but I can’t. Distance is a cruel, harsh mistress who favors the rich over the less well-off.

I wish I could’ve run to Ruffus when my life got this bad.

I wish I could hold Zack in my arms and tell him everything’s going to be alright.

I wish I could hug Aaron when he gets lonely…

My mother’s constantly on my case, I feel like everything I do is wrong, I can’t be with him…

I want him here.

Now. With me.

He deserves to be loved.

Makes me feel special, dawgs. <3

Over the course of this week (THIS WEEK, mind you) two of my closest friends have up and left the fandom. Why? Because. Several of you are annoying little pricks about every last little thing that floats past your beings. And you need to stop.

Furries have long been described as diverse, fun, and most of all, accepting. But very few of us are actually trying to live up to this image. Most of us would rather be horrible assholes to each other over every little detail than attempt to actually, I don’t know, talk to said person. Talking works, guys. Believe me.

We have some facts to re-iterate, I think:

• NO ONE is perfect.
• NO ONE is perfect. (That’s twice. Got it yet?)
• Whenever two or more are gathered, drama will inevitably happen. It’s life, guys. What matters is how we learn to overcome the drama to keep the peace.
• NO ONE IS PERFECT.
• Mistakes, when made, are usually very easily forgivable or overlooked. If not, they can be reconciled by talking things out. Like I said, it works.

So, for the love of the gods and all that is holy, STOP. Stop talking behind people’s backs, stop spreading rumors you KNOW are false, stop running people out of the fandom because you believe it’s some sort of exclusive club that one has to gain access to. It’s not. Stop trying. Above all else, I believe one of my best friends put it the correct way:

If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

Seriously. Thank you.

I saw him again today. The guy at Five Guys. Says he hates his job. A lot. Don’t blame him at all. Making fries at Five Guys has to be a horrible job. I’ll bet he enjoyed seeing me…I certainly hope so, anyway.

I’m going to see him again next week.

I will get his number next time.

I could use a friend I’ve never met before. Variety, you know?

Something…new.

I haven’t been on IRC in days. Bet they haven’t even noticed my absence. Though, getting +q on the first day in the channel seems somewhat worthy of remembrance. Hopefully.

“When I text you, it means I miss you. When I don’t, it means I’m waiting for you to miss me.” -Anonymous (Though I know the source.)

Xerxes said that once, and his words hold true to this. I’m wanting to be missed…It makes me feel…

• Wanted.
• Loved.
• Important(?)
• Special(?)
• Like I meant something to someone. Y’know. Value.

If she walks in screaming, I’m going to freak out. Sometimes I get tired of hearing my name screamed across the house over and over again.

Zack and the fry guy are the only two guys who keep me happy. The rest keep me sane.

Zack keeps me human, too. Human and feeling in a very numb time.

I hope he knows how much he means to me. I hope he dreams of me when he finally drifts off to sleep.

I know I’ll dream of him.

I always do…

-Curlz, 9:50 PM

Another binary date. 11111 in binary = 31. Complete month.

Whole. Something I don’t feel I am.

I signed my life away to two major corporations today. Best Buy and Kroger. Entertainment and food. Fuel of my life.

Hope I get Best Buy. I really hope I get Best Buy.

Demon dog Loki’s scratch is still on the back of my hand. Turned a darker color. Battle scars of house training. He peed on the carpet. Again. I hope he learns soon…

I didn’t talk to him as much as I would’ve liked to today. Hurts me that I didn’t, too…

She keeps bothering me. I wish she’d stop. It’s like no matter what I do, I can’t please her. Ever. She makes me feel inadequate. She makes me feel like everything that’s ever happened over the past few days is my fault. Like I’m this horrible person that can’t reconcile himself because of what he’s done in his life.

I wish she’d back off. I wish she’d just leave me alone for a while.

I can’t even write without being criticized.

My life has spiraled out of control. Beyond mine, anyway. This is that point where I’m supposed to turn to some all-powerful being and ask him to make everything better, right? Because religion is like a great big Christmas list of wishes and unfulfilled promises.

I guess I can’t have anything. Or even be myself. Or stay up past 10. Or fall asleep when I want. Or have friends who like me for who I am. Or a boy who loves me…

Nothing ever goes my way. Ever.

I can only pray I’ll see him soon. I’ll run to him, hold him in my arms and tell him how much I love him. I’ll stroke his cheek and hold his hands and just stare in his eyes…and tell him I need him…and I always have…

I just wish she’d let me feel how I feel…

I need it.

-Curlz 10:43 PM

Today’s a binary date. One of three in this month. Don’t know what 27 has to do with anything, but I’ll be sure to keep it in mind.

I started writing today in the bathroom. The last bit of privacy I possess. My school is still out tomorrow, thank the gods. It’ll give me some more time to mope.

It’s too hot in here, and my ears are burning. Just makes me think of how I’ll have to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow to take the little one out. It’ll be freezing cold then…

Back in my room. Texing Gina. Watching Regular Show. Thinking of tons of people. Missing even more…

Especially him.

I could just IM or call him right now…but I’d get questioned for having friends.

She’d think he was Mark. Hah.

I got another guy’s number today. Travis. Cute guy. Didn’t get to tell him goodnight.

He won’t replace my Zack. He won’t ever replace my perfect Zack. His beautiful voice paints beautiful dreams in my mind. Fills my heart with warmth.

If only I could feel his warmth beside me…in my arms…

My mother ripped me from my friends. Again. Shoot me. Trapped in this house with a puddle-spreading puppy. Just my luck. Love him to death. Honestly. Just wish this phase would end soon.

I’ve been feeling urges lately. Unsatisfied urges. Might have to fix that tonight…

I just…I don’t know anymore. I never do. According to mother’s methods, I’m not allowed to have friends. Not the online ones that “got me into bad things,” anyway.

Fuck that.

To Aaron and Ruffus and Achi and Squeaks and Kristian and everyone… Especially Zack…

I love you. And I’ll fight for you.

Always.

Always and forever.

-Curlz 10:47 PM